What is a panic attack?

Sometimes I think I've just grown up learning to panic, that I don't even know what a panic attack is. Where other people break and fall apart and go to the doctor, etc. I think I just sort of deal with it in small episodes of freaking out, getting angry, feeling hopelessness, and so on.

But have I ever really broken down?

It seems lately I seem to freak out at least twice a week. University has become really difficult in the last few weeks, and it's no longer this "nice thing" I do with my spare time. Like it always was. Now I have to spend time working at things, and at that, if I don't work hard, I won't get the work done. I've never had this before. I'm sure a lot of you are laughing at me, saying "it's about time, and you're not getting any sympathy from me". Well fine, you're entitled to.

I again have to vent and for me writing is one of the few things that do it. You feel like you write it down so you can forget it. Otherwise it just keeps popping up in your head. Get it out, give it a face, and throw it away.

I feel like the other students "get it" where I'm struggling. Perhaps I've just been on edge lately, what with moving in with Verena and thereby saying goodbye to my ability to have absolute peace and quiet, and periods of non-interruption. Knowing that you can be alone if you need to be is important to me, and I just said goodbye to that. It's probably working subconsciously in me. I can't seem to be relaxed anymore, and it's really easy to break into frustration and its resulting anger.

I don't know. I just need to get on top of things. When I don't feel on top of things, I don't feel relaxed. But really, an effective person is one who can cope with things in a state of chaos. I want to be that person.

Gotta catch a bus.