Another one of those days as a 'Scientist'

What the feck am I doing studying what I am? I mean, it was a really arbitrary decision to study this, so to stay in Germany. Well, I'm here. I speak German. Well enough to study? Well, the others in my program are managing alright, so I can assume that the language isn't exactly the 'Verhinderung' (Roadblock).

But FECK. My program sucks. I'm studying all the courses I hated. Math, thermodynamics, and chemistry. I'm in the wrong program, clearly. I keep dreaming of Architecture. Of designing, of dreaming, and creating. With the basics I'm already getting, I can use this knowledge with architecture, so to have 'environmentally friendly' designs. Such as a solar installation that heats houses, water collectors to irrigate plants, and designed to look beautiful.

Engineers don't contemplate life and metaphysics, do they?

Changing to architecture could mean at least 3 more years to get a Bachelor, 4 if I work at the same time. Am I ready for that? Will I finish what I start? Funny, for someone who's known to be relatively happy / good-mood, I have such an underlying sense of negativity / hopelessness for what the future brings. I think it's all basically shitty, outside of enjoying the everyday as some impoverished aristocrat.

I mean, I might study architecture and become disillusioned with 'the Institution' that teaches it.

I just think it would be cool to make houses that make use of the environment around it. For example, take the idea from Frank Lloyd Wright, who designed a house that has a stream running through it. I think right away, that this stream should be used as a mini-hydroelectric generator that powers the house - the Sun used for heating and lighting, or gravity used for 'stuff'.

I don't want the light in my soul to burn out. I don't see it burning brighter as an engineer, but I don't see yet what will make it burn brighter at all. That's what troubles me.

I was 'trained' or raised to see life as a duty. Whether that was the intent of my parents or not, that's all their 'philosophy' ever seemed to me. Get an education, with that find a job, work for 40 years then die. In between, have a family and impart some knowledge on some kids that was never well thought out (to their credit, childhood was brilliant), and hope you don't fuck your kids up. In short, be an energy cell that contributes to propelling society 'forward', whatever that means. This is clearly a concept that I've not taken to. It would be nice if life were so 'cut and dried', so straightforward and simple. But it's not - I've been told I can do anything in life, but anything I've ever proposed has been met with discouragement, negativity, and/or worry as it doesn't fit with this "energy cell" model of living.

It's all so tough to unlearn what you have learned, with the knowledge (or instinct) that it's better to do so, all the while having nothing there in it's place. It means life is there to be discovered and experienced, but you have no idea if what you are doing will lead to a happy future or not.

... but I think I should change my degree program because I end up leaving my lectures before they're even finished. I just get fed up and leave. Every lecture I find myself hating what I'm studying. Only the masochistic, protestant upbringing in me keeps me doing this, as 'to have pleasure later, you must now endure a lot of pain', or 'tough it out, and it will pay of later.'

Will it?

For some observers, I'm wandering aimlessly. For me, I'm letting my experiences shape me, but I don't feel like I'm making pro-active decisions - to do so requires a goal, and currently I want to see what life has to offer. In this sense, I'm the opposite of narrow-minded, but to have a goal, one requires a certain degree of narrow-mindedness so to focus on a goal to be achieved.

There are many absent-minded daydreamers who accomplish great things in life, I'm still of the belief this is / can be me. But I do need to decide on something... i.e. What am I gonna study and how I will finance that.